Some relationships last a lifetime, where others are intense but short-lived. Psychology research is revealing the types of love unique to each kind of union, and the elements that may re-ignite a fading spark of attraction.
What elements of love make some relationships last a lifetime?
For a long time, psychologists and therapists have tried to pin down, describe, categorise and predict the course of true love. There’s been widespread agreement that love tends to start off as a romantic and intense longing to be with the other person, with feelings of pain when apart. Then as the months and years go by, if love lasts, its nature changes, and the relationship becomes more of a companionable warmth, without much excitement or allure, and with far less romance than there used to be.
According to this idea of love, relationships that last, and which bring satisfaction to both parties, inevitably see the decline of romance over time. This is not a wholly bad thing, because the intimacy that exists between partners increases as if to compensate, and there may be a strength of commitment to each other. The day to day irritations of living together produce conflicts, and we become ‘habituated’ to a stable, and low, level of romance, says much of the psychological literature. It’s by no means the whole story, though, and it may not be the right one.
Obsession and Romance
Other researchers point to the way romance can reignite, for instance after a period of being apart. And couples who embark together on new experiences are often seen to rediscover their romantic sides. A number of studies show high levels of romantic love among couples who have been together for decades — and a pair of US psychologists decided to take a closer look at a large number of papers to investigate. They distinguished between obsession and romance as separate components of a loving relationship.
Obsession — which can be part of love — tends to be present in shorter-length relationships. Obsessive lovers are the ones who say they find it hard to concentrate at work because of thoughts about their partner, or they describe feelings of jealousy at the idea the partner may be with someone else. Obsession and romance can co-exist, even so, but successful relationships – defined as bringing satisfaction and pleasure to both partners — of whatever length, have a strong element of romance from the start. The longer relationships were less likely to have obsessive aspects, and more likely to retain romance.
Romance can be intense, it can involve sexual allure, and it is involving and committed. This analysis shows it has a strong role to play in long-lasting marriage — and happy marriages predict all-round happiness in individuals, plus feelings of well-being, and resistance to stressful life events.
Without the obsessive element that could undermine all these positives, romance is an enhancement to life — and settling for friendly companionship, as maybe the best that can be expected from long-term coupling, could be to sell ourselves short. Working for a re-birth of romance is possibly a challenge — but it’s one that’s worth working at https://247carlocksmiths.com.
The House Partnership, 25th October 2014
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Elizabeth Gilbert-author of Eat, Pray, Love-talks about Schopenhauer's theory about intimacy and relationships and why people are like porcupines. Relationship counselling provides a safe space in which to work through difficulties together.
It has long been known that people's varying levels of emotionality lead to different responses in behaviour, but a group of psychologists in America have found an intriguing relationship between smile intensity in yearbook photos and subsequent marital harmony.
Is it possible to predict which marriages are likely to succeed by looking at the love present in courtship at the start? Leading US social psychologist and relationship researcher Professor Ted Huston has spent much of his professional life on this question.
Iain and Susan are struggling to work out why their sex life has ground to a halt. A short promotional film for the BBC animated documentary: Wonderland: The Trouble With Love and Sex.
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Heart flu. A cold in the soul. 'Adjustment disorder'... all terms used in Japan as 'labels' for depression–but the fact they're used at all symbolises a revolution in Japanese culture. As recently as 10 years ago, the whole concept of depression carried a great stigma in Japan.
Carol Cattley describes her experiences of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for depression, and how it helped her to make positive changes in her own life, where previously she never thought possible.
The psychoanalytic theory that dominated the 20th century is being overtaken by therapies in which talking interventions for depression concentrate not on what has already happened, but on thinking about what will happen in the future in a positive way.
Mindfulness has been practiced as part of meditative exercises for thousands of years, becoming renowned for its calming function and its ability to improve mental and spiritual well-being. Modern psychological research is beginning to reveal that it is an effective form of therapy for anxiety.
Existential therapy is a psychotherapy heavily influenced by existential philosophy. It states that our inner conflicts are a reflection of our confrontation with the givens of existence: death, freedom, responsibility, isolation and meaninglessness.
It's popularly associated with peacefulness, calm, and stress reduction. But there's clear evidence that meditation also improves memory, increases awareness, empathy and compassion. These changes are revealed on brain scans.
Cognitive behavioural therapy has become one of the most popular forms of contemporary psychological therapy, rising into fashion in the latter 20th century in the 'cognitive revolution', overtaking the psychoanalytical practice championed by Freud.
Depression is almost as common as it is debilitating: one in five people will experience it in their lifetime and it is the leading cause of disability in the world. How does it develop, how does it differ from 'feeling low' and what therapies can help to alleviate it?
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Schema therapy is an integrated psychological therapy, combining elements from a variety of therapies including CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It aims to challenge and correct some of the deepest maladaptive beliefs that we hold about ourselves and the world.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the most popular form of therapy for a range of issues that fall under the umbrella term 'anxiety', using a solution-focused, 'here and now' approach to facilitate recovery. We take a look at what this means and at the evidence in its favour.
By tackling the way we think about ourselves, our bodies, and food, and using this to inform changes in our eating behaviours, CBT provides a powerful method for breaking free from the powerful grip of anxiety, guilt and shame that can control our relationship with food.
In a study that asked 515 people why they entered into sex with someone, 50% of women and 52% of men said that they hoped to trigger a longer relationship.
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Mindfulness, though it draws influence from ancient Buddhist tradition, is fast becoming an essential part of a range of non-religious psychological therapies and helping people with a wide variety of physical and emotional concerns.
In the current economic climate - when job security is at an all time low - many people are finding that their best course of action when ill is going to work anyway... but what are the costs not only to the economy, but more importantly to our wellbeing?
A man's problems with his wife keep him awake during a whole night. An animation about insomnia, by Marie-Margaux Tsakiri-Scanatovits, promoting the short story 'Night Thoughts' by Helen Simpson, for Granta magazine's issue on feminism.
CBT is an active, collaborative, solution-focussed form of therapy combining techniques that help us to confront and correct biases and problems in the ways we think and feel; leading us to independently pursue a more fulfilling and successful life.
This powerful film by documentary filmmaker Martin Hampton introduces us to the lives of four people struggling with compulsive hoarding; each vignette more uncomfortable that the last.
Levni Yilmazis is an independent film-maker, artist and publisher. In this short animation he provides a wry how-to guide for breaking up . . . in 64 easy steps!
Social anxiety has been part of Jo's life since childhood. In this painful story she describes its pernicious effect and the vicious cycle between feelings of anxiety and sadness. But the story has a happy ending as Jo eventually discovers therapy.
Stress, at an appropriate level and duration, can be a positive influence in the workplace. However, when stressful influences are poorly managed, they can cause us to feel like we are 'treading water'. How can we use workplace pressure to our advantage?
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Our psychological problems are shaped by our socio-cultural environment. In Korea, what we might refer to as 'problem anger' is known as 'fire sickness' and is seemingly caused by emotional suppression for the good of the collectivist culture
Systemic therapy looks at people not as isolated individuals, but as parts of various relationships and networks (romantic, familial, platonic, professional etc), and deals with the interactions and dynamics of these groups to improve the wellbeing of its members.
A short animation on how OCD feels to Danish artist, Joaquim Nielsen. One in fifty adults experience obsessive-compulsive behavior during their lives. While OCD can be a serious social disabling condition, it has also become a source of inspiration for some artists.
This film by the charity OCD-UK offers insight into the problems that people with OCD face, and how they experience the condition. OCD responds very well to a combination of CBT cognitive behavioral and mindfulness therapies.
CBT has been consistently shown to aid recovery from OCD in over three quarters of people who undertake it by encouraging them to change the way they think through 'cognitive restructuring', and use this to change the way they behave through 'cognitive management'.
A short video from animator Kelly Bailey on what it's like to live with panic and agoraphobia, containing recorded testimony of real people who have struggled with and overcome these fears.
The focus of mindfulness-based therapy is upon recognising and accepting each moment in the present instead of jumping to hasty and often damaging reactions. This is proving to be greatly beneficial to improving our relationships with others.
Professor Paul Salkovskis, a clinical psychologist and director of the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma, discusses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And Karen reveals how this form of therapy helped her overcome OCD.
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Levni Yilmazis is an independent film-maker, artist and publisher. This is his ironic take on the less-than-helpful advice some people give when you're experiencing depression.
Though it has been proposed that food issues such as extreme dieting, anorexia and bulimia are on the rise and influenced by media pressures, analysis of texts about and by many of history's key figures suggests that these problems have been around for centuries.
A clip from the BBC's Weird Nature series showing how Vervet Monkeys in the Caribbean have taken to stealing cocktails from people on the beach. Studies show that they have the same percentage of teetotal and alcoholic individuals as the human population.
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Elizabeth Gilbert-author of Eat, Pray, Love-talks about Schopenhauer's theory about intimacy and relationships and why people are like porcupines. Relationship counselling provides a safe space in which to work through difficulties together.
It has long been known that people's varying levels of emotionality lead to different responses in behaviour, but a group of psychologists in America have found an intriguing relationship between smile intensity in yearbook photos and subsequent marital harmony.
Is it possible to predict which marriages are likely to succeed by looking at the love present in courtship at the start? Leading US social psychologist and relationship researcher Professor Ted Huston has spent much of his professional life on this question.
Iain and Susan are struggling to work out why their sex life has ground to a halt. A short promotional film for the BBC animated documentary: Wonderland: The Trouble With Love and Sex.
Are we becoming more fearful in the UK? The question is answered by the Mental Health Foundation in their report, In The Face of Fear, with a clear 'yes'. The report presents evidence showing a consistent increase in anxiety over the past couple of decades.
In this short excerpt from a PBS documentary, behavioral scientist Dr Peter Whybrow, author of 'American Mania: When Too Much Is Not Enough', talks about the perils of a fast-paced, consumer-driven lifestyle and why it's not the key to happiness.
By encouraging clients to focus on achievements and goals, solution-focused therapy aims to help establish hope and resolutions to problems — with less attention paid to why the problems arose in the first place. The focus is on what is possible if positive changes are made.
Heart flu. A cold in the soul. 'Adjustment disorder'... all terms used in Japan as 'labels' for depression–but the fact they're used at all symbolises a revolution in Japanese culture. As recently as 10 years ago, the whole concept of depression carried a great stigma in Japan.
Carol Cattley describes her experiences of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for depression, and how it helped her to make positive changes in her own life, where previously she never thought possible.
The psychoanalytic theory that dominated the 20th century is being overtaken by therapies in which talking interventions for depression concentrate not on what has already happened, but on thinking about what will happen in the future in a positive way.
Mindfulness has been practiced as part of meditative exercises for thousands of years, becoming renowned for its calming function and its ability to improve mental and spiritual well-being. Modern psychological research is beginning to reveal that it is an effective form of therapy for anxiety.
Existential therapy is a psychotherapy heavily influenced by existential philosophy. It states that our inner conflicts are a reflection of our confrontation with the givens of existence: death, freedom, responsibility, isolation and meaninglessness.
It's popularly associated with peacefulness, calm, and stress reduction. But there's clear evidence that meditation also improves memory, increases awareness, empathy and compassion. These changes are revealed on brain scans.
Cognitive behavioural therapy has become one of the most popular forms of contemporary psychological therapy, rising into fashion in the latter 20th century in the 'cognitive revolution', overtaking the psychoanalytical practice championed by Freud.
Depression is almost as common as it is debilitating: one in five people will experience it in their lifetime and it is the leading cause of disability in the world. How does it develop, how does it differ from 'feeling low' and what therapies can help to alleviate it?
Sleep psychologist Shelby Harris discusses why insomniacs can't get to sleep, even when (they think) they've accumulated a massive sleep debt. Help for insomnia can come with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is shown to give longer-lasting results than sleeping pills.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is characterised by worries that something terrible will happen (obsessions) and a series of disruptive behaviours (compulsions) carried out, often ritualistically, to try to alleviate these anxieties. What causes it, and how can it be helped?
Professor Robert Sapolsky discusses the evolutionary origins and functions of stress and reveals just how dangerous prolonged exposure to stress can be in our modern lives. Mindfulness therapies can help individuals alter their responses to stressful event.
Mindfulness-based therapies encourage people to replace the distress and avoidance associated with obsessions with a non-judgemental awareness and acceptance of their inner mental state. This is proving effective even in those who have been not been helped by other treatments.
A panel of scientists discusses the evolutionary basis for fear, how these responses can be learned, and how they inform superstition, religious practice and cultural tradition.
What is it about tea that makes it the drink of choice for the stressed British public? Its chemical content? Its heat? The ritual of preparing it? Or are we simply subject to placebo effects whereby believing tea will de-stress us makes this outcome a reality?
Animation director and illustrator Steve May created this great little video about anger as one of several shorts inspired by the experiences of real teens dealing with real issues.
The Art of Psychotherapy ~ Interview with Irvin Yalom
Video
Existential psychotherapist, Dr Irvin Yalom, discusses the importance of the client being treated as an equal by their therapist and of their working together. He suggests that self-revelation on the part of the therapist is also important.
Journalist Phillip Weiss, editor of Mondoweiss, discusses the pressures in modern marriage, especially to do with sex. And how most most studies show, in the US at least, that 25% of married men are unfaithful, and 15% of women.
Steve Hayes, the main force behind Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is himself a panic attack sufferer in recovery. Panic responds very well to behavioural therapies such as CBT, especially when combined with mindfulness approaches.
Evidence suggests that CBT cognitive behavioural therapy is at least as effective as medication for depression, and leads to lower relapse rates. This is because it gets to the heart of the 'vicious cycle' of negative thoughts, feelings and actions that depression can trap us in.
The single most important thing you can do for stress
Video
"My pick for the single most effective treatment for managing stress is actually quite a simple one . . . change your thinking style." From Mike Evans, Professor of Family Medicine & Public Health, University of Toronto.
New psychology research has used brain scans, EEG, and measured antibody production, to reveal the biological processes that underlie the positive changes that people experience after practicing mindfulness meditation as part of psychological therapy.
A thoughtful piece as always from Stephen Fry, discussing his experience of depression. Fry was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1995 after suffering a nervous breakdown.
Steve Blacknell, 55, used to sneak into the kitchen in the middle of the night to eat in secret. He has been recovering from bulimia for 20 years. At The House, our therapists and counsellors are experienced in helping people overcome issues with food and eating.
House Therapists are trained in a variety of approaches, and can integrate them to tailor the therapeutic experience to your particular needs and concerns. Rather than trying to match the client to a therapy, we prefer to match therapies to the client.
Schema therapy is an integrated psychological therapy, combining elements from a variety of therapies including CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It aims to challenge and correct some of the deepest maladaptive beliefs that we hold about ourselves and the world.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is the most popular form of therapy for a range of issues that fall under the umbrella term 'anxiety', using a solution-focused, 'here and now' approach to facilitate recovery. We take a look at what this means and at the evidence in its favour.
By tackling the way we think about ourselves, our bodies, and food, and using this to inform changes in our eating behaviours, CBT provides a powerful method for breaking free from the powerful grip of anxiety, guilt and shame that can control our relationship with food.
In a study that asked 515 people why they entered into sex with someone, 50% of women and 52% of men said that they hoped to trigger a longer relationship.
TV has been blamed for a range of problems in children and adolescents including poor body image and food issues. By studying a rural population in Fiji with only recent access to TV, and tracking attitudes to weight and shape, researchers have spotted the first signs of problem eating.
We all feel a little anxious in social situations sometimes, but Social Anxiety can be extremely uncomfortable and even debilitating, limiting people's potential and even causing them to avoid many social situations. We explore how Counselling can help with this.
It can feel like there are any number of things that can come problematic about our relationship with food: not eating 'enough' of it, eating 'too much' of it, using it as an emotional crutch... Psychotherapy can offer a solution-focused way of tackling these issues.
'Counselling' and 'Counselling Psychology' are not synonymous terms, though they do share elements of their history. Here we explore how Counselling Psychology is in many ways superior, as it brings a scientific evidence base to the art of counselling.
As it can affect they way we think, feel, behave and relate to others, depression can seem like an impossible challenge to work through alone. Fortunately, Counselling Psychologists at The House are brilliantly positioned to be able to tackle these problems with you.
Mindfulness, though it draws influence from ancient Buddhist tradition, is fast becoming an essential part of a range of non-religious psychological therapies and helping people with a wide variety of physical and emotional concerns.
In the current economic climate - when job security is at an all time low - many people are finding that their best course of action when ill is going to work anyway... but what are the costs not only to the economy, but more importantly to our wellbeing?
A man's problems with his wife keep him awake during a whole night. An animation about insomnia, by Marie-Margaux Tsakiri-Scanatovits, promoting the short story 'Night Thoughts' by Helen Simpson, for Granta magazine's issue on feminism.
CBT is an active, collaborative, solution-focussed form of therapy combining techniques that help us to confront and correct biases and problems in the ways we think and feel; leading us to independently pursue a more fulfilling and successful life.
This powerful film by documentary filmmaker Martin Hampton introduces us to the lives of four people struggling with compulsive hoarding; each vignette more uncomfortable that the last.
Levni Yilmazis is an independent film-maker, artist and publisher. In this short animation he provides a wry how-to guide for breaking up . . . in 64 easy steps!
Social anxiety has been part of Jo's life since childhood. In this painful story she describes its pernicious effect and the vicious cycle between feelings of anxiety and sadness. But the story has a happy ending as Jo eventually discovers therapy.
Stress, at an appropriate level and duration, can be a positive influence in the workplace. However, when stressful influences are poorly managed, they can cause us to feel like we are 'treading water'. How can we use workplace pressure to our advantage?
Professor Mark Williams, co-developer of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy, and research fellow at Oxford University, discusses the science behind why mindfulness works, in calming stress and preventing depression from recurring.
Our psychological problems are shaped by our socio-cultural environment. In Korea, what we might refer to as 'problem anger' is known as 'fire sickness' and is seemingly caused by emotional suppression for the good of the collectivist culture
Systemic therapy looks at people not as isolated individuals, but as parts of various relationships and networks (romantic, familial, platonic, professional etc), and deals with the interactions and dynamics of these groups to improve the wellbeing of its members.
A short animation on how OCD feels to Danish artist, Joaquim Nielsen. One in fifty adults experience obsessive-compulsive behavior during their lives. While OCD can be a serious social disabling condition, it has also become a source of inspiration for some artists.
This film by the charity OCD-UK offers insight into the problems that people with OCD face, and how they experience the condition. OCD responds very well to a combination of CBT cognitive behavioral and mindfulness therapies.
CBT has been consistently shown to aid recovery from OCD in over three quarters of people who undertake it by encouraging them to change the way they think through 'cognitive restructuring', and use this to change the way they behave through 'cognitive management'.
A short video from animator Kelly Bailey on what it's like to live with panic and agoraphobia, containing recorded testimony of real people who have struggled with and overcome these fears.
The focus of mindfulness-based therapy is upon recognising and accepting each moment in the present instead of jumping to hasty and often damaging reactions. This is proving to be greatly beneficial to improving our relationships with others.
Professor Paul Salkovskis, a clinical psychologist and director of the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma, discusses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And Karen reveals how this form of therapy helped her overcome OCD.
Sleep brings a range of benefits to our minds, physical health, and well-being, and insomnia can be extremely disruptive to our lives and functioning. Insomnia and long term, chronic sleeplessness, can be extremely disruptive to our lives and functioning, so what can we do to tackle it?
Depression is three times more common following a heart attack: as many as one in three survivors qualify for a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. Research is beginning to reveal which parts of CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy CBT may be most helpful to these patients.
Cutural and religious rituals and many of the behaviours of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) show striking similarities: washing, checking, repetition... is OCD a manifestation of a deep human need that has spun out of control?
Kadam Morten Clausen, resident teacher at the Kadampa Meditation Centre in New York, discusses how stress is all about our perceptions of others and of the world. Mindfulness practices, as encouraged at The House Partnership, can help you find a path to a life free of stress.
Levni Yilmazis is an independent film-maker, artist and publisher. This is his ironic take on the less-than-helpful advice some people give when you're experiencing depression.
Though it has been proposed that food issues such as extreme dieting, anorexia and bulimia are on the rise and influenced by media pressures, analysis of texts about and by many of history's key figures suggests that these problems have been around for centuries.
A clip from the BBC's Weird Nature series showing how Vervet Monkeys in the Caribbean have taken to stealing cocktails from people on the beach. Studies show that they have the same percentage of teetotal and alcoholic individuals as the human population.
